Non-Prophets fallacy introductions

In 2007, Denis Loubet started writing introductions to The Non-Prophets radio show, based on various fallacies or themes.

May 26 &mdash; Prophecy

 * And there will be The Non-Prophets. And the hosts shall be two, and their names shall be Denis Loubet and Matt Dillahunty. And their voices shall reach the four corners of the earth on the 26th day of the month of May in the year 2007 from what will be the humble Dillahunty International Studios in the city of Austin in the land of Texas. And when that day comes, Run DMC, "Raisin' Hell", will be the herald of their words.


 * And yea, there will be a great Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit educational organization promoting positive atheism and the separation of church and state, that will grant the Non-Prophets their powers. And lo, the Atheist Community of Austin shall have a happy hour at the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30 p.m. for song and all manner of mischief. And for more revelations, the number of the ACA voice mail is 512-371-2911. Or consult the mystic oracle at www.atheist-community.org.


 * On that most auspicious day, one would be poor if one did not hear their words as they would speak them live, every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30 p.m. central standard time. Indeed, one would soon cast their own wits to be trampled underfoot if one did not participate in the show by logging in to the chat room. To find out how, one must seek the Non-Prophets page at www.nonprophetsradio.com.

June 2 &mdash; Anthropic principle

 * And are we The Non-Prophets? I don't know. What are the odds that out of the six and a half billion people scattered over the face of the earth, two guys named Denis Loubet and Matt Dillahunty would be hosts of an Internet show, along with their producer, Russell Glasser, on the 2nd of June, 2007, and that it would be broadcast from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, of all places?


 * What are the chances that the intro music would be 'Viento del arena' by the Gypsy Kings? And what's the likelihood that all this would be sponsored by a non-profit educational organization called the Atheist Community of Austin that promotes not only positive atheism, but also the separation of church and state?


 * Sound far-fetched yet? Consider the fact that the show just happens to be broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, and that a specific few will even participate in the live broadcast by just chancing to visit the Non-Prophets' page at www.nonprophetsradio.com and logging in to the chat room according to the instructions found there?


 * Think about it. Denis Loubet alone is the result of an unbroken chain of successful ancestral reproduction going back four and a half billion years to the first replicating molecule. And that's just me! Matt's and Russell's ancestors all did the same thing. For four and a half billion years, they all managed to avoid being eaten by that sabertooth, or stepped on by that apatosaurus, or asphyxiating when they crawled out of that slime before they successfully produced young. Our ancestors couldn't make a single mistake for four and a half billion years! Three times!


 * The odds against this are astronomical. And that's not even taking into account our listeners. All of them are the result of the same unlikely four billion year chain of events. It's freakin' impossible.


 * And I'm not even addressing the issues of the atoms necessary for all this being in place after having been forged in the hearts of exploding stars billions of years ago from hydrogen condensed from a fireball of a Big Bang.


 * And now wrap your brain around this kicker: the Atheist Community of Austin has a happy hour! It's at the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30. There's no way this is chance.


 * The fact that we're here talking to you now is essentially impossible. The odds against this being the exact state of the universe is far too great, and there's only one conclusion that can be reached: the universe was designed for The Non-Prophets.


 * Welcome to the purpose of the universe.

June 16 &mdash; Excessive skepticism

 * And we are The Non-Prophets. Or at least that's apparently what we want you to believe. How do you know that I'm Denis Loubet, or that he's Matt Dillahunty, and not just some guy named Eddie we pulled off the street?


 * Heck, when we tell you that it's the 16th of June, 2007, do you just believe us, even though you know full well that this show could have been recorded prior to that date? Face it: you have no idea if this show is coming to you live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas or not. Just like you have no idea if the intro music is really 'My Doorbell' by the White Stripes.


 * And sure, we'll tell you that the show is sponsored by a non-profit organization called the Atheist Community of Austin that promotes positive atheism and the separation of church and state, but have any of you actually checked to see if there is an Atheist Community of Austin? Sure, there's probably a web page, www.atheist-community.org, but anyone can put up a web page, right?


 * And there's all sorts of ways we can make it seem more plausible, like for instance mentioning that the ACA has a happy hour at the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30. That's a cute little detail that adds authenticity to the story, but have you actually been there at 7:30 to see if there's atheists present? Have you even checked to see if the Dog and Duck exists at all?


 * Now, you might think that since people can log on to the Non-Prophets' chat room as we broadcast every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, and we mention what listeners say in the chat, that some of what we say has to be true. But we could be making it all up. We could have fabricated the whole idea that you can log in, following the directions at www.nonprophetsradio.com, and just made up the listener comments. Even if you checked, and we really seem to have a chat room, and you thought you logged in to it, how do you know all the other chatters were real, and not some people we paid to provide the illusion of a chat room?


 * I'm not even going to mention how easy it is to fake listener mail. So just go ahead and continue to arbitrarily believe everything we tell you. It's good for you. Really.

June 30 &mdash; Predestination

 * We are, inevitably, The Non-Prophets. I have to be Denis Loubet, and he has to be Matt Dillahunty, and we have to be your hosts on this day, the 30th of June, 2007, and we had no choice but to be broadcasting from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, and what you heard could be nothing but 'Idiots Rule' by Jane's Addiction.


 * In fact, the initial conditions of the Big Bang have determined that the Non-Prophets are simply an unavoidable effect of the Atheist Community of Austin which is, inescapably, a non-profit educational organization which promotes positive atheism and the separation of church and state.


 * It is also impossible for me to avoid mentioning that the Atheist Community of Austin has a happy hour held at the only time and place it can be held: the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30.


 * This necessary chain of cause and effect that stretches back 13 billion years determines not only that the Non-Prophets are broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, but also makes it inevitable that some few listeners will participate by logging in to the chat room after reading the instructions found at the Non-Prophets' page at www.nonprophetsradio.com.


 * So since we are nothing but cogs in the vast machine of the universe, I can do nothing but welcome all the cogs listening to this part of the machine.

July 14 &mdash; Appeal to authority

 * And you will believe we are The Non-Prophets. Hi! I'm Denis Loubet, and he's Matt Dillahunty, and by the grace of the ACA, we're going to be your hosts today.


 * The ACA has deemed it fit that we broadcast from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, and that it's the 14th of July, 2007. By the authority of the ACA, the music you heard was 'The Show Must Go On' by Pink Floyd.


 * The ACA is, of course, the Atheist Community of Austin, and we serve at its pleasure. The ACA is a non-profit organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state, and these truths cannot be disputed.


 * Know that by sovereign right, the ACA favors the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30 for its happy hour. The ACA also grants to us the chat room instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com so that all may participate.


 * By the will of the ACA, we broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30. So listen well to the words of the Non-Prophets, lest you forfeit what grace the ACA, in its infinite mercy, has granted you.

July 28 &mdash; Strawman

 * And we don't believe we're The Non-Prophets, because we don't believe anything.


 * Hi! I'm Denis Loubet, and he's Matt Dillahunty, and we're your gods for today. Although we have no purpose, we're broadcasting anyway from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, on the 28th of July, 2007.


 * Of course, what we really want to be doing is raping and killing. And pillaging. And watching Battlestar Galactica. And even though we're unable to appreciate the beauty of it, the music you heard was 'The Sultans of Swing' by Dire Straits.


 * This show is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit Stalinist organization that wants to evangelize the religion of atheism under the guise of defending the separation of church and state by making prayer a capital crime. The ACA hosts a happy hour at the Dog and Duck on Thursday nights at 7:30, where we can share our stories about the traumas we've suffered that made us mad at God.


 * Because we have no morals, The Non-Prophets broadcasts live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30. And since monkeys are social creatures, you can participate in our shit-throwing chat room by reading the instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com and logging in.


 * So unless you want another hurricane or 9/11, you better listen to how we baby-eaters deny the god we believe in so that you can do anything you want.

Closing

 * Thanks for listening to us God deniers. We'll be back in two weeks, once we've locked up all the theists.

August 11 &mdash; Post hoc ergo propter hoc (and other misunderstandings of causation)

 * And because we're The Non-Prophets &mdash; plural &mdash; there's at least two of us!


 * And because The Non-Prophets needs hosts, I'm Denis Loubet and he's Matt Dillahunty.


 * And since we're broadcasting live from the Dillahunty Studios in Austin, Texas, that means it's the 11th of August, 2007, and the music you're listening to is 'Wonderous Stories' by Yes.


 * Because the Atheist Community of Austin sponsors this show, it's a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state.


 * And because the ACA has a happy hour, there's a pub called the Dog and Duck where we meet for it at 7:30 every Thursday evening. And as a result of there being the website www.atheist-community.org, and ACA voice mail at 512-371-2911, you can contact those places for more information!


 * Seeing as this is a podcast, we broadcast live every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30, and often beyond.


 * And because there are instructions on how to participate in the show live at www.nonprophetsradio.com, there's a chat room you can log into to do it.


 * And so, because you can sit back, enjoy the show.

Closing

 * Since I'm thanking you, you listened to the show! And because there's a point in time two weeks from now, we'll see you then! I'm Denis Loubet, because he's Matt Dillahunty! Buh-Bye!

August 25 &mdash; Appeal to consequences

 * And we are the Non-Prophets, because if we weren’t, the terrorists would win.


 * I better be Denis Loubet, and he better be Matt Dillahunty, and he better be our special guest Russel Glasser, otherwise our parents have carried out a systematic and inexplicable program of deception. And we must be broadcasting live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin Texas on the 25th of August, because if we are there’s a good chance we’ll precipitate World Peace! And the music you heard is Frozen, by Curve, because if it isn’t, then they stole that song and put it on their album. Bastards!


 * The Non-Prophets has to be sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, and has to be a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state, because that’s just so selfless, altruistic, and god-like! I mean, how ironic is that!


 * And the ACA must have a happy hour at the Dog and Duck at 7:30 every Thursday evening, and there has to be more information about it at www.atheist-community.org and the ACA voicemail at 512-371-2911, or else our grey, humdrum lives, would make the looming spectre of suicide start to look attractive.


 * Now, it’s a fact we broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, because we love you deeply and sincerely, and that you can participate in the broadcast by reading the instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com and logging into the chatroom, because if you couldn’t, there would be little point to the universe.


 * And so, unless you like the void in existence itself, enjoy the show!

Closing

 * That’s our show, because if it isn’t, we’ve really been fooling ourselves! And we’ll be back in two weeks to cure cancer. And because it would be silly the other way around. I’m Denis Loubet, he’s Matt Dillahunty, and he's Russel Glasser! Buh-bye!

September 8 &mdash; Shifting the burden of proof

 * And we are the Non-Prophets, 'cos you can't prove we aren't.


 * Hi! Unless you have hard evidence to the contrary, I'm Denis Loubet, and he's Matt Dillahunty.


 * And we're broadcasting live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, on the 8th of September, 2007. The music you heard was What God Wants, Part II by Roger Waters, because you can't show otherwise.


 * I'm going to say this show is sponsored by, uh, the Atheist Community of Austin, and since you can't prove it's not, you'll just have to accept that it's a non-profit organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. So there.


 * And check it out: if you're not at the Dog and Duck at 7:30 on Thursday nights, you can't say there's no ACA Happy Hour then! Ha!


 * Since you're not omniscient, you can't know that the Non-Prophets don't broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30. And how do you know there aren't instructions for logging in to our chatroom and participating in the show at www.nonprophetsradio.com if you're not there? Huh? Huh?


 * So unless you can establish otherwise, you're gonna sit there and enjoy the show.

Closing

 * Do you think we're thankful for you listening to our show? Prove it.


 * And if you don't think we'll be back in two weeks with another episode, I guess you'll have to show that you can predict the future, Mr. Nostradamus!


 * So since you don't know jack, you'll have to believe me when I say we're leaving you with What God Wants, Part II by Roger Waters. And you'll just have to choke it down when I tell you I'm Denis Loubet, and he's Matt Dillahunty. Buh-bye!

September 29 &mdash; Belligerent introduction

 * ...and we are the Non-Prophets!


 * Hi, I'm Denis Loubet and he's Matt Dillahunty, and we have a guest with us today. We are going to be your hosts today, unless you have some problem with that? And we're broadcasting from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin Texas. And it's the 29th of September, 2007. And the music you're gonna hear is Rock Is Dead by Marilyn Manson, whether you like it or not.


 * In fact, the idea that we're sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin is one you're just gonna have to live with. And whining about how it's a non-profit organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state is just gonna make things worse for you.


 * And unless you got something better to do, you'd better be at the Dog and Duck on Thursday night at 7:30 for the ACA Happy hour.


 * But right now, you're gonna sit down, shut up, and read the chat-room instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com, and log in. It's not like you knuckle-draggers can't figure out we're broadcasting live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, we've only been doing it for 3 fuckin' years!

Now zip it, and listen!

Closing

 * So, what? I should thank our listeners for listening to us? You should be thanking your lucky stars we even acknowledge your miserable existence. We'll be back in two weeks, and until then you can sit on your god damn thumbs for all I care. Here, listen to Rock Is Dead by Marilyn Manson while you're massaging your prostate. And in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm Denis Loubet, (I'm Matt Dillahunty) (I'm Shilling). Now scram.

October 6 &mdash; Defensive introduction

 * And we are the Non-Prophets!


 * Well, unless you don't want us to be the Non-Prophets. I mean, we could be something else, but I guess for now we should probably be the Non-Prophets, right?


 * Hi! I'm Denis Loubet. That's my name. I'm not trying to make some French point or anything. And he's Matt Dillahunty. At least, he says he is. And Shilling is our special guest today. Not that there's anything wrong with being ordinary; lots of people are. Not to say that you are, but... We're going to be your hosts today, okay?


 * Now, I could be wrong, but I think we're broadcasting live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas &mdash; Not that we'd hate to broadcast from anywhere else, mind you &mdash; and it's, I guess, the 6th of October, 2007. At least, in this time zone. I mean, not like other times or other time zones are evil or anything, but, well, you know.


 * Anyway, the music you heard was, er, what was it, Matt? (Matt: I think it might have been Peter Gabriel's Digging In the Dirt. But his other songs are good, too!) Yeah. And not that any other piece of music would have been worse. Not to say that the piece we did play was bad or anything!


 * I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all or anything &mdash; not that that's necessarily a bad thing, I mean: knowing stuff is good, not that not knowing stuff is bad &mdash; but this show is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, which is supposed to be a non-profit organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. And by saying that, I'm not trying to suggest that other non-profits that don't promote positive atheism are bad, or that they're not worth your time if they don't support the separation of church and state, but, you know, they probably should.


 * Anyway, they tell me they've also got a Happy Hour at the Dog and Duck at 7:00 on Thursdays. Seems reasonable, not that there's anything wrong with being unhappy, I just, well, you know.


 * Since we broadcast every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30... Well, except for last week, and technically, I guess, the week before that. And, I suppose, a couple... Never mind. You can read the instructions at www.nonprophetsradio.com and log in to the chatroom to participate in the show. It's okay, I mean, there's no penalty if you don't. It's not like you have to log in or anything. That would be bad.


 * So please enjoy the show. Or don't, if you don't want to. I mean, you don't have to enjoy the show. I just thought it would be a good idea. Not that you'd be stupid if you didn't enjoy it, but... well, whatever.

Closing

 * Thanks for listening to the show! Not that I'm saying you heard every word or anything. There's certainly no pop quiz that you'll have to pass. Not that you couldn't pass it or that you'd have to, I just... Well, anyway, we'll be back in two weeks, unless some disaster strikes. I'm not suggesting that one will, just that if one does, we may not have a show. But we probably will.


 * So listen to Peter Gabriel. That's not an order, it's just a suggestion. Not that I'm trying to manipulate you or anything, okay? Anyway, I'm Denis Loubet, (I'm Matt Dillahunty) (I'm Shilling). Buh-bye!

October 20 &mdash; Poisoning the well

 * And we are the Non-Prophets! Of course, be aware that atheists are the most distrusted segment of society, and are probably that way for a reason.


 * I'm your host Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty and our special guest known only as Shilling. But then again, this is a podcast, and anyone can say anything in a podcast.


 * And I'll claim we're broadcasting to you live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin Texas on the 20th of October 2007, and that the music you heard was God Shuffled His Feet by the Crash Test Dummies, but that easy truth could just be a convenient way to make you believe what we're going to say next.


 * Which is, of course, that this show is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. But obviously, that's just what you'd expect a bunch of pandering atheists to say.


 * And now we come to the claim of an atheist ACA Happy Hour at 7:00 on Thursday evenings at the Dog and Duck. If you believe that, you'll believe anything.


 * You'll even believe stuff like the assertion that we broadcast live every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, and that we have a chat room that you can access to participate in the show. Sure, there's a website at www.nonprophetsradio.com with instructions for the chatroom, but that hardly means that we can't put something on the web if it isn't true.


 * So sit back and listen to a bunch of guys that, well, without a fear of divine eternal punishment, have no reason to say anything even remotely factual.

Closing

 * Thank you for listening. I hope you bought that bilge. We'll be back in two weeks with another passel of atheist lies. Until then, we're Denis Loubet, and Matt Dillahunty, and Shilling, and this is God Shuffled His Feet by the Crash Test Dummies.

November 3 &mdash; Fallacy from tradition

 * Traditionally, we are The Non-Prophets.


 * As always, I'm your host, Denis Loubet, along with the dynasty of Matt Dillahunty and the stalwart Shilling.


 * We are broadcasting, according to ancient custom, from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, and through a method passed down through the ages, it is decided that the 3d of November in the year 2007 is the date. The liturgy you heard was Satan is Real by the Louvin Brothers.


 * As dictated by tradition immemorial, this show is sponsored by the historic Atheist Community of Austin, a time-honored non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the formal separation of church and state.


 * In keeping with our ancestral conventions, the ACA hosts a Happy Hour every Thursday at 7:00 at the Dog and Duck, an establishment with deep roots in the community.


 * In concordance with sacred antediluvian writ, we broadcast our show every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, Central Standard Time. And as is customary with these things, we have a chatroom that you can access to participate in the show, but only if you read and follow the instructions found at the grand and distinguished address www.nonprophetsradio.com.


 * So sit back in your overstuffed leather chair, puff your cigar, and enjoy the classic quintessential dialogue of the Non-Prophets.

Closing

 * So from time primordial, we thank you for listening to our show. I'm Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty and Shilling.


 * Know that with the eternal consistency of the rise and fall with which the sun adheres, so, too, we will be back in two weeks with another show. Until then, listen to the ceremonial rite of Satan is Real by the Louvin Brothers. Farewell.

November 17 &mdash; Revenge of Appeal to authority
And as Prometheus once said, we are the Non-Prophets!

When Alexander the Great spoke of those he respected, he spoke of myself, Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty and the acclaimed Shilling, and we're your hosts. He, along with Thomas jefferson, agreed that we are broadcasting from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas, and as Francis Bacon so aptly put it, it is the 11th of November, in the year 2007. So when Mozart said you can't beat the opening credits, he was talking about Feeling Good by Nina Simone.

Now, it's true that Joseph Stalin criticized the show in 1949, but at that time he was not aware that this show was sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, described by William Shakespeare as "a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. Forsooth."

Thus we have John F. Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States, issuing the proclamation that the ACA will host an atheist Happy Hour every Thursday at7:00 at the Dog and Duck, and return them safely to the earth.

So, as Homer wrote, we broadcast our show every other Saturday from 2:00 to 3:30, Central Standard Time. And, as P.T. Barnum noted, if you want to participate in the show, you have to go to the chat room... by following the directions at www.nonprophetsradio.com.

So, sit back and relax, and know that when Churchill mentioned that finest hour-and-a-half, he meant this one.

Closing
As Nero once said, thanks for listening to the show.

And when Albert Einstein proved in his famous equation that the Non-Prophets will be back in two weeks, he knew that the end credit music would be Feeling Good by Nina Simone.

I'm Denis Loubet along with Matt Dillahunty, and Shilling.

And Ghandi.

Goodbye.

December 1 &mdash; Slippery intro
And we are probably the Non-Prophets, because everything is "Just a Theory."

I'm your host, Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty and The Amazing Shilling, and what the hell, we might as well invite Adolph and Joseph in too. We're broadcasting live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin Texas, on the first of December, in our apparently continuing efforts to censor all religious expression worldwide. To that end, the dialog you heard was William S. Burroughs.

Since this show is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, you can be sure we're saying whatever they want us to say. The ACA is, after all, a non-profit, educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of Church and State, and that obviously means we're stoking the ovens forall you faith-heads.

If you want to help with the shoveling, you can find more information on the ACA voicemail at 512 371-2911, or the website at www.atheist-community.org.

And don't forget, the ACA has a Happy Hour at the Dog and Duck at 7:00 on Thursday evenings where we supposedly drink and fornicate in wild atheistic abandon while we figure out where to put the internment camps.

So, if you think you want to completely control the show, you can visit our chat room by following the directions found at www.nonprophetsradio.com. We broadcast every other Saturday at 2:00 to 3:30, but we're thinking of changing that to only once every decade.

So sit back and listen to the atheist holocaust as you bathe in the blood of thebeliever.

Closing
Well, now that you've heard the show, your lives are complete, and you can die happy. No need to thank us.

We'll be back to euthanize you again in two weeks.

I'm Denis Loubet along with Matt Dillahunty, and Shilling! And this is Burroughs again.

Bye!

December 15 &mdash; no introduction
Denis was not on the Dec. 15, 2007 show. There was no fallacy introduction.

Episode 7.1 (5 January 2008): Christianity
And we are the Non-Prophets. Through the ultimate authority of my imaginary friend, I'm Denis Loubet along with Matt Dillahunty (hello) and Shilling (yes), and we are your hosts for today's show.

Because we are so smugly certain of our bronze age fairy tale is something everybody in the fricking world is just dying to hear we'll call it something pretentious like The Good News and broadcast it live on the 5th of January, in the new year, 2008 from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas. And because we have long experience appropriating stuff that isn't ours the music you heard is Wasteland by Billy Idol.

Now, since you can never be too rich with sweet tax-free status and federal faith based subsidies as well as sucking the zeros out of grandmothers welfare check, we'll reveal that the Non-Prophets is sponsored by the Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. If you wanna hear more about our bloody, supernatural protection racket and how you can avoid being tortured forever by living in a perpetual state of fear you can find more information on the ACA voice mail at 512-371-2911 or the website at www.atheist-community.org. Lest I forget, you can wallow in your religious fanfic as well as protect your elective brainwashing in the exclusive company of like-minded sheep at the ACA happy hour at the Dog & Duck at 7 on Thursday evenings.

Because we constitute the vast majority with megachurches on every fucking street corner and an absolute cultural lock on wholesomeness and morality as well as pandering politicians, we feel the need to broadcast every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30 central standard time about how persecuted we are. There is even a chat-room where you can blurt out your judgments about everyone who doesn't think like you. Just follow the directions found at www.nonprophetsradio.com.

So sit back, strap on your explosive vest and jerk off to thoughts of the tribulations. The Non-Prophets are here (Woohoo).

Closing
Well, that's our show for today. Play it for a gathering of your little god-bots if you can pry them away from the priests. We'll be back in two weeks with the same tired lies, distortions and smarmy condescension. Until then I'm Denis Loubet with Matt Dillahunty (goodbye) and Shilling (yes) and we leave you with Wasteland by Billy Idol. Bye bye.

Episode 7.2 (19 January 2008): Special Pleading
And we are the Non-Prophets - and you're not. Granted, other people may have atheist podcasts, but they don't have me, Denis Loubet, or Matt Dillahunty (hello), or Shilling (yes), or even Russell Glasser (not me, either), as their hosts.

And they may broadcast like us, but I bet not on Saturday the 19th of January 2008, or from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas. And they sure as hell don't have a cool opening music like us, like The Epiphany by Bad Religion.

I'm sure some have sponsors, but none are like the Atheist Community of Austin. Okay, they may be non-profit organizations like the ACA, but they can't really promote positive atheism, or the separation of church and state, like we can. So, you can find more information about our obviously superior sponsor on the ACA voice mail at 512-371-2911, or the website at www.atheist-community.org. And our atheist happy hour at seven o'clock on Thursdays at the Dog & Duck is happier than any other atheist happy hour because we're happier athiests. Really. So there.

We're better because we broadcast every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30. No other atheist podcast can claim that, and believe me, our chat room is vastly superior to any other atheist podcast chat room, and you can prove it to yourself by visiting www.nonprophetsradio.com and following the directions to participate in the show.

So unlike all other atheist podcasts that try to be cool, prepare to be entertained and educated by the Non-Prophets.

Closing
Well, thanks for listening to the show. It's great you're smart enough to listen to us, rather than those other stupid atheist podcasts. Figures we'd attract superior listeners. Well, since no one else can claim to be Denis Loubet, or Russell Glasser, or Matt Dillahunty, or Shilling, we'll expect you to wait with bated breath for our next show in two weeks. Until then, we leave you with Epiphany by Bad Religion.

Episode 7.3 (2 February 2008): Two Wrongs Make an Intro
And we are the Non-Prophets, because... why should they be the only ones? Since churches can have preachers, we'll have preachers. So I'm your preacher, Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty (hello), Shilling (yes), and Russell Glasser (hiya).

And since they can have holy days, we'll have holy days, like today, the 2nd of February 2008, where, like televangelists, we're coming to you live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas. The hymn you heard was Grand Illusion by Styx.

The Non-Prophets is sponsored by our own personal, gold-encrusted Vatican, the Atheist Community of Austin, which is a non-profit, educational organization for the enforcement of positive atheism and the absolute separation of church and state. Heck, if they can be dogmatic, so can we; and if you want to learn more about the ACA, you can pray that you're calling the voice mail at 512-371-2911, or visiting the website at www.atheist-community.org. Hell, if revealed knowledge works for them.... And if you'd like to indulge in a bit of wine and flesh, like certain other religions we won't mention, you can have your fill at the atheist happy hour, held at the Dog & Duck, here in Austin, at seven o'clock on Thursdays.

And because they get to adhere to rigid, authoritarian rules, I guess it's okay for us to broadcast, as regular as clockwork, every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30, Central Standard Time. And because, like them, we need to hear your 'Hallelujahs', you can go to the www.nonprophetsradio.com site and find out how to join our chat room and participate in the show.

And since they can indulge in pedophilia, we can... uhh... shit, well, they got us there. Oh well, enjoy the show, anyway.

Closing
Well, that's our show for today. And if you didn't like it, be prepared for shunning and cries of 'heretic'. After all, if that kind of crappy behavior is good enough for them, it's good enough for us. And since they think that constant brainwashing is fine and dandy to keep their people in line, we'll be back in two weeks for another little reeducation session. So, I'm Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty (goodbye), Shilling (yes), and Russell Glasser (so long), telling you to open your hymnals to Grand Illusions by Styx, and sing along.

Episode 7.17 (6 September 2008): Hubris
And we are the magnificent Non-Prophets. I'm the amazing Denis Loubet, along with the incredible Matt Dillahunty (hello), the unbelievable Shilling (yes), and the awesome Russell Glasser (Tadaaa).

This sensational group is coming to you live from the stupendous Dillahunty Intergalactic Studios on the fabulous 6th of September 2008 all to the astonishing sound of Barracuda, by Heart. This splendid show is brought to you by the prodigious Atheist Community of Austin, a staggeringly non-profit educational organization for the exultation of phenomenal atheism and the absolute and unequivocal separation of church and state.

If you want to learn more about this legendary alliance you can call the superb voice mail at 512-371-2911 or visit their out of this world website at www.atheist-community.org. If you want to really blow your mind don't hesitate to join the ACA's deliriously exorbitant happy hour at the mythical Dog and Duck on Thursday evenings at seven.

As fantastic and unlikely as it sounds, the Non-Prophets broadcasts live every other Saturday from two to three-thirty central time, which makes the impossible idea that you can participate in the show by following the directions at www.nonprophetsradio.com and joining our chat room all the more far fetched. Yet it's all unimpeachably true!

So listen, and you will hear the unutterable sound of five broadcasting giants farting rainbows. Enjoy.

Closing
That's our wondrous show for today. We'll have another miraculous broadcast for you in the unimaginably short span of a mere two weeks. Until then the unmatched cabal of Denis Lubet, Matt Dillahunty (see you next time), Shilling (yes), and Russell Glasser (and thus spake the non-prophets) bid you farewell with the extraordinary talent of Barracuda by Heart.

Episode 7.22 (15 November 2008): Brutal Truth
And we are the Non-Prophets. But that doesn't mean we can't be brutally truthful.

I'm Denis Loubet, supposedly your host but really just stuck here when Jeff left. Along with Matt Dillahunty (Hello) who's really the brains behind this whole operation. Thad Engling (Hello) who just can't stay away. And Shilling (Yeah) who's just creepy.

We're coming to just a few of you live since most of you will be listening to this via podcast. From the Dillahunty international studios in Austin, Texas. Which is to say a small apartment complex that foux architectural styles like a goulash. What we are is a bunch of guys sitting around a folding card table facing microphones with no preparation hoping the power strip at out feet doesn't pull a Hiroshima until we're finished.

It's the 15th of November 2008, and it's wise to remember that the new president-elect won't take office for another month-and-a-half. Oh yeah, the music was Little Wing by Concrete Blonde and, one would hope, Fair Use.

This show is sponsored, whatever that means, by the Atheist Community of Austin. It's like the Non-Prophets except it's a bigger group of atheists and has girls in it. It's also supposed to be a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state, and I assume it does that. I'm also required to mention that you can learn more about the ACA by contacting the voice mail at 512-371-2911, or visiting the website at www.atheist-community.org.

I guess this little shout-out is what they mean by sponsored. I've never been but they tell me the ACA hosts a happy hour at the Dog and Duck on thursday nights at 7:00. I have no idea what that entails but I suspect it's a local anouncment and listeners from Zimbabwe won't be attending. So the Non-Prophets broadcasts live every other saturday from 2:00 to 3:30 central time, except when it's inconvenient to too many people at the same time or we start late. We do have lives you know.

And you can supposedly participate in the show by logging into the chat room by following the directions at www.nonprophetsradio.com, something else I've never done, but I think we've all noticed just how effective that is.

So relax or continue working or whatever you do when you listen to the Non-Prophets and discover what will drop out of our mouths next. Believe me, we're just as anxious to find out as you are.

Closing
Well we're done; hope you liked it 'cause that's all you're getting this time. Unless it's inconvenient we'll be back in two weeks with another download to take up space on your iPod. Until then, this is Denis Loubet, Matt Dillahunty (B'Bye), Thad Engling (Bye), and Shilling (Yes), breathing a sign of relief and waiting for Little Wing by Concrete Blonde to start and the mics to go dead.

Episode 8.6 (21 March 2009): TV Season premiere
"And we are the Non-Prophets" said Denis Loubet playing himself in the new ACA-series Non-Prophets opening today March 21st, 2009, worldwide.

Coming to us from the Dillahunty International Studios, located in Austin, Texas, we expect and get the usual cast of characters. You'll see Matt Dillahunty as the gruff yet brilliant studio engineer, Russel Glasser as the ivory tower intellectual, Jeff Dee reprises his role as the hotheaded firebrand and Shilling once again offers an eccentric performance as the Devil's advocate. Combine this powerhouse of talent with a soundtrack including such songs as Oblivion by Bryan Steeksma and you'll have a performance that's hard to beat.

This is another hit by ACA, the Atheist Community of Austin, that media conglomerate that brought us the long-running television series The Atheist Experience. This new series cements the ACA in their position as the leader in non-profit educational organizations promoting positive atheism and the separation of church and state. You can learn more about the ACA by calling the voice mail at 512-371-2911 or visiting their website at www.atheist-community.org.

I caught up with some of the cast members at the Dog & Duck here in Austin, where the ACA holds a happy hour every Thursday evening at 7. When asked about the new show the dour Matt Dillahunty growled "Yeah, we're gonna be broadcasting episodes live every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30. So what?" "That's central time." added Russel Glasser dressed in his trademark tweet jacket with elbow patches. From around his pipe he added "You can even participate in the show by visiting the website on www.nonprophetsradio.com and following the directions to the chat-room."

Glancing over to the angry Jeff Dee he received a muttered "Asshats." Shilling flanked as usual by twin, latex-clad super-models, offered this piece of advice: "Just sit back and enjoy the show. What's the worst that could happen?"

Closing
Well, this series opener gets two thumbs up from this reviewer. Matt Dillahunty outdid himself, Russel Glasser vowed us, Jeff Dee was once again the heart of the show and Shilling taught us to laugh again. Unfortunately it was up to Mr. Loubet to show us what calling in a performance is all about. Regradless, they assure us they'll be back in two weeks with another exciting episode. Until then we can listen to the endcredits soundtrack Oblivion by Bryan Steeksma.

Episode 8.7 (18 April 2009): Recent creation
And we are the Non-Prophets. Hello, I am your God, Denis Loubet, along with my favorite creations Matt Dillahunty (greetings) and Shilling (yes).

We are coming to you live to the tune of Galaxy's Elegant Cinema by Bryan Steeksma from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas on the 18th of April, 2009, which is no coincidence since that also happens to be the date of the creation of the universe. That's right, I created the universe today. I thought "What the hell, I've been thinking about it for a long time. Let's just do it." In addition to the Universe, I also created the Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state. I decided the ACA would be the sponsor of this show and even created a voice mail at 512-371-2911 and a website at www.atheist-community.org in case any of my creations, that's you, wanted to know more about it. And speaking of church and state, I figured that separation would be best since my church will in fact be the happy our at the Dog & Duck at 7 o'clock Thursday evenings here in Austin.

Now, you are thinking to yourselves "But Lord, I have memories of past episodes, and what about history, and fossils, and light from distant stars?" Well, I created starlight and root and planted the fossils as well as the memories in your head just a few minutes ago, didn't I? You want proof of my existence? Just look to the wonders of the universe, the new Battlestar Galactica and Claudia Black for my sake. What more proof do you need? Come on.

The Non-Prophets only broadcasts live every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30 central time. Don't waste those precious moments with your cynical skepticism and your trick questions. Instead, and this is a suggestion, not a commandment, you should follow the instructions found at www.nonprophetsradio.com and visit the chat-room to participate in the program. No, I won't employ my omniscience to tell where to find your socks, or your car keys, but I will tell you that you will sit back and enjoy the show.

Closing
Well, that was my show. Don't worry if there was anything wrong with it, I can edit your memories later. In the meantime, I know, know that I'm your god, Matt Dillahunty and Shilling will be back in two weeks with another episode. Unless of course I decide to scrap this universe and make another one (one week). Oh one week, that's right. On that note we leave you with Galaxy's Elegant Cinema by Bryan Steeksma. Farewell.

April 25 &mdash; "Free" gift
And we are the Non-Prophets. I am your host, Denis Loubet, along with Matt Dillahunty (hello), Thad Engling (hello) and Shilling (yes).

And we're broadcasting this free gift of atheism live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas on the 25th of April, 2009 because we love you. The music you heard was Let X be X, Let X equal X by Laurie Anderson. We sacrifice our time and effort to our sponsor, the Atheist Community of Austin, a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state, so that all humanity, in turn, can live in peace and harmony forever and ever. If you want to learn more of the glorious future the ACA has in store for you can contact their voice mail at 512-371-2911 or visit the website at www.atheist-community.org.

Or you can attend the ACA happy our at the Dog & Duck here in Austin at 7 o'clock on Thursday evenings, since that's pretty much the future we have in store. To bring you this free gift Non-Prophets sacrifices every other Saturday to broadcast live from 2 to 3:30 central time. And we listen to your prayers from the chat-room, accessed by following the directions at www.nonprophetsradio.com.

All we ask is that you accept this free gift by realizing that you are wretched creatures who owe everything you have to us, so in your gratitude you must abide by our every whim and sit back and enjoy the show! Otherwise in the ACA's infinite mercy you will be tortured forever.

Closing
That show just goes to show you that sometimes prayers are answered with a "no". The Non-Prophets will be back in a week to perform another sacrifice for your enjoyment. Until then, this is Denis Loubet, Matt Dillahunty (goodbye), Thad Engling (yup) and Shilling (yes), asking you to hunt down and eat all those ungrateful to the Non-Prophets. As a taste of the glory to come we leave you with Let X equal X by Laurie Anderson.

May 2 &mdash; Kids show
And we are the Non-Prophets. I am your storyteller, Denis Loubet, with huggybear Matt Dillahunty (hello), Thad Engling the friendly scarecrow (ahhhh, right), Russel Glasser, the nutty professor (hi everyone) and that mean old Mr. Shilling (yes).

And where are we? That's right, we're all together in the big smiling Dillahunty International Studios balloon over Austin, Texas. It's the 2nd of May, 2009 and what was that music? That's right, God by Tori Amos. You know what that means? It's time to visit the "Thank You"-Box. And who shall we thank today? Why look, it's our sponsor, the Atheist Community of Austin. Hi there ACA.

"Hi Denis. Did you know that I am a non-profit educational organization for the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state? If you don't know what that means call my voice mail at 512-371-2911 or visit the website at www.atheist-community.org to learn more." That's great ACA! Come on kids, let's give him a big Non-Prophets thank you. "Thank you ACA!"

That's great kids. I wouldn't be surprised if even mean old Mr. Shilling gave you a gumdrop for that one. And speaking of gumdrops, that's right, you're all invited to the ACA happy hour at the Dog & Duck here in Austin on Thursdays at 7 (Woohoo). So ask your parents if you can stay up late. There'll be cake and candy for everyone. Won't that be fun?

Now as you know, boys and girls, the Non-Prophets comes out to play only every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30 central time, so if you want to be in our special Atheist Explorer Club, just follow the directions at www.nonprophetsradio.com and play with us in the chat-room.

So grab your ECA (blrblrabrla). So grab your EAC decoder ring, put on your BS-boots and get ready for another fun-filled episode of the Non-Prophets.

(yaaaaaaaay) (The ACA would like you to know that cake and candy is not necessarily provided for free)

Closing
Well, that was our show. Wasn't that fun (woohoo)? Matt and Russel and Thad and even mean old Mr. Shilling and all your friends will be back in the big balloon in two weeks for another fun-filled adventure. Until then, here's God by Tori Amos. And remember, there is no theism like atheism.

Bye bye kids (there, that was hopefully all those little bastards wanted)

June 13 &mdash; Eating children
And we are the Non-Prophets. I am your host, Denis Loubet along with Matt Dillahunty, Russel Glasser, Thad Engling and Shilling.

Now, although the media claims that we eat children, it didn't tell you that it was only Shilling that indulged. That's only 20% of the Non-Prophets. Likewise, while we announce that we are coming to you live from the Dillahunty International Studios in Austin, Texas on the 13th of June, 2009, those doing the kidnapping of our dinners are not members of the Non-Prophets, but laypeople unassociated with our show. We're not even responsible for our music, which happens to be Dear God by XTC. But of course this type of distortion is expected from the media when the target of such allegations is ultimately our sponsor, the Atheist Community of Austin. Accusing a non-profit educational organization dedicated to the promotion of positive atheism and the separation of church and state of the preparation and serving of toddlers in delicious sauces is callously designed to titillate the public and certain to sell newspapers. If you want to learn more about the ACA or its recipes you can call the voice mail at 512-371-2911 or visit the website at www.atheist-community.org for a full explanation.

The ACA also hosts a happy hour at the Dog & Duck on Thursdays at 7 here in Austin, where we only drink the blood of newborn infants, but you never hear the media lauding our restraint, do you? Despite all this hysteria the Non-Prophets only eats a very small percentage of children and is determined to broadcast live every other Saturday from 2 to 3:30 central time, unless we're really hungry. If you want to participate in the show with comments or serving suggestions, just follow the directions found at www.nonprophetsradio.com and join our chat-room.

So if you are level-headed enough to understand that the media claim that we chop up babies doesn't mean that we don't have men dressed as clowns chloroform them first, then you're the person we want sitting back and enjoying the show.

Closing
(Over the sound of clinging tableware) So that's our show. Mmmm, smell that? This is Denis Loubet, Matt Dillahunty (goodbye), Russel Glasser, Thad Engling (can I have a leg? Oh shure) and Shilling, signing off (can I have some gravy over there). We'll be back in two weeks with another scrumptious episode. We leave you with Dear God by XTC. Until then, bon appétit (mmmm, wanna do the...)